He decidido....

This week has been MENTAL. Monday afternoon I drove to my cousin Sarah's hotel in Hertfordshire, where she was very kindly putting me up while I visited my two potential PhD supervisors at Rothamsted. The journey took HOURS as I was held up on the A14 by not one, not two, but THREE broken down lorries, one of which I nearly broke even more in my haste to get off a roundabout. Finally arrived at the Hardwicke Arms, just in time for a catch up chat, some drinks, a burger and off to bed for a sleepless night worrying about what the next day would bring.

The next day brought an awful lot of fun. I arrived at 10.30am, parked my little flowermobil and met potential supervisor number 1; David, and very quickly got down to business discussing Robert Downy Jr's role in the new Sherlock Holmes film. The other team members and head of department gradually trickled in for cups of tea and the conversation turned to, err, more relevant things like what on earth I was doing there, what the project might involve and the direction in which I'd like to take it. Turns out the project would involve a fair amount of identifying dead insect samples from previous years' trapping, mingled with some time in a balloon with a big net and a stint over at Cardiff doing the molecular side of things, identifying aphid parasitoids with the aid of some very sexy molecular techniques. The guys were lovely, talked very easilly (although for some reason I stuttered through Biology and RAMBLED through folk music, films and the best way to entertain 2 year olds) and took me for lunch, which I have yet to pay them back for, at a super good Thai restaurant/pub in the village of Harpenden. I also had a tour of the farm, where I would be doing my own sampling, the labs, where I might keep pet aphids, and the manor, where the PhD students live in catered accomodation and, from what I can tell, pretend to be freshers. The day was really relaxed, the guys were super lovely and very human (at least by academic standards) and I came away feeling like, although I might not know a great deal about parasitoids, and neither did they, we'd get on really well and I'd have no problems fitting in.

I'd brought a ridiculous amount of reading with me, so that night I settled down in the bar at the Hardwicke and tried to plod through plant defence papers for the next day, my head still full of aphid-parasitoid interactions and my tummy still full of Thai food and Sarah's sausage and mash. Needless to say, I didn't sleep awfully well on Tuesday night. I hadn't finished the reading (mostly because I'd attracted interest from the locals who, in turn, had inticed me into a debate about Bt crops), I was overtired, and due to excessive time on the road every time I closed my eyes I was behind the wheel on the A14.

Wednesday saw an even earlier start with me arriving at Rothamsted at 10am, to be met with the first of FOUR power point presentations that I sat through that day. The supervisor, Kim, and co-supervisor Jason (who I have mutual connections with at Birmingham) were clearly very excited about the project and keen to impart on me everything they had discovered so far, and I in turn was surprised to find myself making feasable suggestions about the direction the research could go in. It helped that I already have a background in plant defence genetics from my final year lab project, so although I have avoided plants, fungi and molecular biology for the best part of my academic career, I was surprised to discover that I knew, and cared, about the things they were discussing. The other 3 presentations were from 2 PhD students and a post doc, with whom I had lunch and spent most of my day. It gave me a chance to ask a few questions about the supervisors which obviously I couldn't do in front of them, engage in a bit of student banter and to some extent guage the quality of life of a Rothamsted PhD student. They all seemed pretty happy, and almost human. Kim, it transpired, was rooting for me to do her project despite having another candidate visiting the next day which meant ultimately the decision was up to me. Shucks.

Sarah had Wednesday off so when I had finished at Rothamsted I drove back to her house for an afternoon off with Chinese take-away, her over excited dog and Pulp Fiction. I opened a fortune cookie and it read "today is the tomorrow you are searching for". OK. I would like to get something straight. I don't read horoscopes, or particularly believe in or care about fortune telling of any sort. I'm very much one for making my own decisions and I guess I see God as fairly non interventionalist. However, when it comes to big life decisions that I'm having trouble making, I pray. This was a big life decision. I had prayed. Whether God was even listening is a whole other kettle of fish, as is the question of whether he would choose to RSVP via a medium as ambiguous as a mass produced fortune cookie. I'm still not sure if the cookie swayed my decision, or if it made me even more careful about making it for fear of being swayed. Either way, at 4pm on Friday (my self imposed deadline) I was still nearly ready to toss a coin, except that I'm no good at that so someone would have had to do it for me.

Then Rachel finally rang. I'd been waiting to talk to Rachel since Wednesday. She's the other half of my brain, and I'm not entirely sure if I'm even capable of making a decision without first consulting her. If God has ever put anyone in my life to help guide me, that person is Rachel. Rachel isn't very convinced by fortune cookies either, but she thought I should do Kim's plant defence project. She agreed with me that it fitted in nicely with my final year lab project, and that ultimately, however much I claim to be an ecologist, I like nothing better than a nice clean lab and a good bit of sterile technique, and to grow plants and talk to them. Dead insects are just fine, but they don't talk back.

So ultimately I made my decision based on a fortune cookie and a little help from my best friend. It maybe wasn't the most sensible way to do things but it was so close that I may not ever have been able to choose by myself, and I still think parasitoid wasps are the coolest creatures on Earth. I have a phone conference tomorrow about the interview for funding, and am therefore missing Rachel's first dress fitting, which I guess is what happens when I take her advice!

This post is way too long, and I am super tired. I didn't even get on to my night out in Brum on Friday with my long lost friend Becky, the fact that I miss Matt and Tom stupid amounts having had lunch with them on Saturday, Shelley and Simon's new baby girl and equally cute 2 year old boy, or my 7 year old niece and our night in watching Hannah Montana. I suppose these are all stories for another day.

PhDs!!!

So last week I applied for two PhDs, one in plant pathology and one on parasitoid wasps. Parasitoid wasps are really cool. They lay their eggs in aphids, while the aphid is ALIVE and then the egg hatches and the larva EATS THE APHID ALIVE and turns it into a mummy. Cool huh?
And the plant pathology one is looking at the genes in Arabidopsis (the coolest plant ever) which confer resistance against fungal diseases of wheat.
So anyway in the last day I've had a phone interview for the plant pathology studentship AND a nomination as candidate for the other one, and they've both invited me to visit so it looks like, provided I win the funding competition, I might be able to do either one. Which is very very exciting given I've always wanted to be a research scientist!!

Downside? They're both at Rothamsted, in Hertfordshire, which is really close to the M25 and my big cousin Sarah, and really far away from Jack. When I graduated, I promised Jack that within a year I would be living in Bristol and we could start our life together properly. I was hoping to get a studentship at the agricultural station in Bristol and start a PhD Oct 2010, and if that failed do a PGCE and become a teacher.

Then the studentship disappeared, and I realised I wasn't ready to be a teacher. It's something I want to do one day, but I really want to do a PhD first, or I probably never will. So I had to reduce my promise to "we'll work something out" which makes me feel SHIT, because Jack is REALLY important to me, and having been with him 4 years, our relationship is just as much of an investment as my degree.

But I think if I stay in the Bristol area just to be near Jack and end up doing a job which has nothing to do with my degree I will end up resenting him, and that will be sad, and detrimental to our relationship in the long run, so in a wierd way by going away to do a PhD I will still be putting our relationship first. In a very wierd way.

I feel this post has taken a downward turn, having started with the amazingness of parasitoid wasps. And this is what I must remember, if I do go to Rothamsted it will be to do something amazing, which I love, and which may just save the WORLD. peace out.

Sainsbury's reduced salt reduced sugar baked beans

What was I thinking? I was thinking of adding a little guilt free imbelishment to my hearty cooked breakfast. I wanted the tangy salt-sweetness of bean sauce mixed in with egg yolk and meat fat. So there I am, in the bean isle at J. Sainsbury's, trying to decide between several different brands' conventional and "reduced beans", and for some unknown reason, I chose the cheapest, most boring beans available to mankind. Far from enriching my sausage and bacon, the bean sauce seemed to add a thin veil of nothingness to everything I put in my mouth meaning, chew as I might, I could taste nothing of my "taste the difference" outdoor reared pork products. You would have thought that sainsbury's beans and sainsbury's meat would work well together, being the same brand. It's like when shampoo bottles say "for best results, follow with OUR colourmate/smoothing/balancing/curling conditioner" because we are the best, you don't need to buy anyone else. Think again people, from now on it's nothing but heinz on my free range pig.

2010

I was just chatting to my friend George about all the rubbish that happened for both of us in 2009, and how 2010 is going to be so much better. I may be unemployed and living with my mum, but at least I have potential, and no strings.
When I look back on 2009, I see the destruction of two friendships ( though over the last 2 days both have begun to heal), Chronic Anxiety Syndrome, hours of couselling, days and nights of uni work which sometimes amounted to nothing, and a job where I was made to feel like a bully for wanting people to achieve their best. But I also see the first home I ever truly built for myself, with a little help from Rachel :), all the amusement and sadness that comes from actually, truly keeping your own pets for the first time (as apposed to that hamster you had that your mum cleaned out) and the joy of achieving everything that I'd worked so hard for. I also learnt to grow pot plants, dye my own hair and make reasonably good cappucinos. Not bad all in all.
My life has always been made or broken by the people around me, so I'd like to aknowledge, in particular, Rachel, Jack and my parents for being frankly amazing this year, you've supported me emotionally and financially (and occasionally physically) and I couldn't have got through the year (let alone got a 1st) without you. I also wouldn't have survived without the Canvas house, who frankly saved my faith, in Christians as people, if not in God.

So on to 2010. I'm waiting to hear back on an Education Officer's post at Bristol Zoo. If I get this job, my whole life may just be able to fall into place, by which I mean I will be able to live in the same city as Jack and do a job which uses my interests, and my brain, at the same time, while still being fairly near my friends and family.
And if I don't get this job....then I don't know. I've been looking at PhD projects, but given that I didn't get a single interview last year I'm a little reluctant to apply, considering also that none of them are anywhere near Bristol, where Jack is settled in a good job with awesome colleagues. I think this year might hold some difficult choices, but in a weird way I'm excited about having the freedom to make them.

by way of an introduction

I'm Nelly, and this is my blog. I'm writing a blog because my friends told me to. I'm a reluctant writer, mainly because I cannot commit to writing and have a creative flare maybe once every 5 years, if that. I'll probably end up writing shopping lists, to do lists, lists of things I love about my best friend Rachel, that sort of thing. But don't expect any witty social commentary or profound insight into current affairs. That's what Simon is for (http://srbishop.blogspot.com/)

I'm in my 2nd day of unemployment. I'm still not sure why I chose now to quit my job at soho coffee co., just that I had to or I was going to end up bitter and resentful of my superiors, none of whom have a class I degrees in Biology. There we go, there's the bitterness, right there!

I think it's time to get dressed :)